Creations

Creations is a page of stuff that is just added...  here is one

Just a Memory Shared -
Here a memory of mine of when I acted many of the troubled kids of today.  I really was a lot more controlled at times and others, I was just as lethal.  I lived with an affliction of drama that I got strength from at times. I have said many times before in my sharing that I was a tender scared and scarred kid... and I learned that I must make the best of the opportunities to put the fear into others, far greater than I had in me. I reluctantly accepted that I must hurt, scare, control others, faster, greater, and more crazily than they did me!

I share some words I said once, I could say the proverbial dramatic - "long time ago"..., but, I won't. I won't because it doesn't seem so long ago. And simple because I don't forget and I do remember.  This is part of my freedom.

I can't be from something that I know nothing about.

I remember holing a 22 rabbit rifle sitting on my sister's big counsel record player and radio stereo system. I said, "All right, let's everybody  have fuken fun!" my friend Russell laughed. I wanted to impress Russell and to be thought of as worthy to be liked.  I remember getting drunk and carrying on my lifestyle, just as I knew it then. I could look back and say that this was just having distorted goofy fun.  It might have been.  Yet, I know that had I been scared enough, hurt enough, degrading enough - I would have done worse!

That night, I remember saying, "Fuk the Gods that, I am tired and I am going to sleep. They can do what they want. I'll see them tomorrow."

I remembered this tonight and I thought of how many times I tried to leave the ugliness of abusive people and I remember feeling so lonely, that I wanted to go home and just be with who was at least familiar to me.

I used to think that God was scary and I was next to killed by God by the people who given better violent gifts than I.

Crazy huh! To all who wonder why kids today, became more violent than we are and more uncaring, it's because they know they've lost more. We taught them through our own loses. In a sad, sad way we are growing more conscious of what we lost and growing more aware of what we never got... and what we don't want.  We are making the glory of killing and dying better, more rewarding than living.

My memories may never be read by many, yet, I pray that many never have to live like I have. I pray, hope, wish or whatever it suits you to say, that you never have to live the way I did. I made part of my ugliness become more real than I could ever, ever write about.

I never ever felt safe enough to let my heart come out... not until I needed to lose every worldly medicator I had... I know that I didn't lose as bad as or severely as so many, many others.  Yet, I lost much. And people lost me too.  I will walk to share my loving heart with others. Even the Gods.

I miss many people of my life... While I truly know that I never knew how to sustain any real relational connection, I still, Today, pray for all those people who may miss me as a part of their life... that is connected directly to me.  I pray that they read these things and hopefully that they will gain strength to understand how much I fought the conditioning I had, not to forgive me or release me from my own demons... I say this so they can live and love way beyond me, beyond my mom and dad. They loved me and I grew. I left them and I had to... to grow to love you beyond what I ever knew. Hard lessons, necessary? No. But this is what is done in these extraordinary circumstances. While I may miss them I know today, that I coud of loved them true had I known better.  I miss everyone of them...

I don't pray to make you listen, I pray for me to hear my own words, for me to be able to tell myself the truth about intention, whether I am in desperation of dying or just my reclaiming of my knowing that I am free.  I share a little knowing of my journey with you today. So you maybe won't do anywhere near the same... you will just love.

God blessed me with a little more today and I am sharing it as far as I can with you.  Pilamaya, Mitakuye Oyasin, Jimmy