My Journey

Welcome to some parts of my personal life story:

In 1992, 
At Paha Sapa  - Sacred Mountains
 Black Hills of South Dakota,
At my first Experiential psycho-therapy group
by Onsite Training & Consulting Workshops.
I said to a group of 50 strangers,
Mostly white people,
"I come for the antidote for what ails me,
kills my people, our children.
Your ancestors brought a disease.
Now... We carry it strong.

I need the cure, the trainings that
you have, along with the natural teachings of my people.
I want to go back and help my people
and be healthier as a helper." 
The leader said to me, "The Truth will set you FREE...
First it will make you very miserable!"

 "How can you remember all those things!"  He said to me as he showed me how I disturbed him by talking of our up-bringing. I took this as his choice - not remember.  Sometimes I thought too that maybe it would have been better or I would have been better off to just forget about it and stop talking any of the horrible things that happened to me, to us, as children.  Believe me, I struggled with the vivid re-occurring disturbances of the memories... and I that those memories were more than just memories... they were complicating my life and my relating throughout.

I thought too that I should try to hide from them all my life... but I couldn't.  I prayed and wished and hoped and tried many medicating ways to cover the adverse effects of my up-bringing and this only compounded my problems.

I remembered the horrible incidents and situations and things and thoughts that happened and I "thought" that if I could become stronger, tougher than the people in them then I would no longer live so afraid and ashamed. I was so deeply affected by them and the way they had modeled for me to overcome this distorted view of dealing with abuse and terror and shame.

I couldn't really make common-sense of them or their actions and since they were most impressing on me I took in their  shaming and depression to my heart and core -  me. This was how I knew love and abuse and could not separate them.  I was set for many years of dysfunction.

I had feelings of an "unknown" invisible loss and a feeling of terrible emptiness. An emptiness, that I could not fill.  This thing "love" was a mystery... It was so very sad, hurtful, disturbing and even - dangerous.

This emptiness was compounded by the distorted way that relating was done; How love and nurturing were inter-mixed with harshness, violence and shaming. This was a daily occurrence within my home and the neighborhood and the world.
Today, I know how this caused me a subtle confusion and distortion - a disturbed reality - of how to live real-true love.
This ugly way of being brought up got in the way of my ability to live in a sharing loving relationship... through this learning of the violence, how I fought back, even as a little child, from that time, I just so much of it... so much that I could not forget how unhappy my childhood was... how traumatized I was. How depressing it was. Maybe this is why he wanted me not to remind him.
Throughout my life, I was surrounded by distorted, disturbed emotions and behaviors. And I know that it was not just my family. This "craziness" was throughout society. I felt the confusion about even as a child.

 Then, I could feel the confusion and too, I had clear scenes of where my family showed such honor and uniqueness as people... beautiful even. I wished for it all to be better and this added to my loss. I just wished that the world and all the people in it would be a whole lot nicer and safer to be with. It is difficult for any terrorized child would dream of something that they only see in movies and only for other races.

 It is not hard to realize that, as a child I was completely dependent on them. I knew too that they - all of us - were "not living good and not loving right". I had no choice - life was just that way - ugliness.

~ This is my family of origin ~

 I wanted and needed them and yet, I wanted to leave. I felt isolated and un-protected. Yet, I needed to stay to avoid being hurt by strangers outside.  At home protection was done with violence. The conditioning was to keep all that happened at home - at home and quiet.
 I loved my family in how I knew to love. In the way I knew love to be, then. Love turned out to have huge ugly  attachments - attachments which did not feel warm, good or peaceful. This is what I had to resolve throughout my life.
 Today, I know, it really wasn't love. Regardless, this was the way it was and I learned this and did my own rendition of "crazy love" throughout my life. I just wanted so much to grow up and get out.  I had a disturbed belief of what was grown-up as well. It was my solution and it was messed-up! 
 I used the ideas I had about being grown-up as best I could and I did what I was taught. The dysfunction came naturally.

 It was like - I took some of what my family showed me and some of what I saw and learned on TV and some of what made me feel better inside and this is what I saw as being grown-up or mature!

 I was attempting to live independent with a base of disturbed, distorted values, morals and beliefs - all of which were embedded with my deep shame and fear about being an "Indian"!  I could sometime think it and yet, I could not intelligently admit this.  I was in trouble and I hid it and lied about it and hurt myself and others with this core problem

 I share this because I had to learn to relinguish my old defense system and myown lies to myself... today, I sincerely love them all. I write to honor the process of healing change and this comes out of love for myself and my family and all peoples... I believe God, in Jesus and the connection that all Native Americans must resolve to one another and to all others in this world - this is the main part of our quest to live free.

    It was in the afternoon of a hot, sunny, summer day, during the week, I was about 4 years old... school was still on because no one was on the street playing.  I was alone. I was playing with a little metal truck, on the sloping, pitted sidewalk at the side of what was the Salter Street Bridge (now Slaw Rebchuk Bridge), actually, I was on Bridge Street, near Jarvis Avenue... where the worst of the degradation of this Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada existed.
I was living my life. I was engrossed in making my little car move smoothly over the pits and boulders of this great big sidewalk... and I even gave it power... with spitting vocals and all. 

    Violence was quite normal in my life as a child, I was constantly reminded, yet, I was startled by a loud booming voice coming from the North direction, towards Dufferin Avenue. When I looked up to see a huge figure of a man walking my way... He was waving his arms wildly. He was dirty - with black-greasy junkyard dirt and he had a big black moustache. Big boots with flaps wagging like big mad dogs' tongues and laces snaking in the sun.  He was laughing crazily and growling!  And I was terrified. I was drawn to see all this crazy person.  This is just one of my memories as an example of my trauma bond.

  These events are not dramatized or sensationalized to entertain you about my "poor, dysfunctional Aboriginal" life or denegrate anyone - it is real!.

 While,  I do realize now, that I was conditioned to be terrified I still knew to keep my eyes on him.

I'd like to think that I was like a young bear cub going a little ways out from its' den - I was a child and yet, I was mesmerized by the fearful site. I had to see it all for some reason.

 I remember getting up running a little ways around the corner and peeking out from the corner house. 
 I needed to see the crazy scary man. I needed to see where he was going.  You see this was my bond to traumatic and violent life... and yet, I handled it.  I was just a little boy!
 I just had to be close enough to have some knowing of where he was going... what he was going to do... control?  
 Even though I didn't know what I was doing, this was a common part of my lonely isolating world then. This is a part of my conditioning.

 I remember that I went to my own house - just one house over and told my mom... she walked out with me and looked down the street towards where the man could still be heard yelling. She took me into the house and closed the door. 

 Ironically, when we moved from that little one bedroom shack at 405 Jarvis Avenue, we moved to a another old house. This was a 3-story duplex at 466 Jarvis Avenue.

 Next door was that crazy man of that day!  It was horrible. The walls would shake when my dad and that other "crazy" man would curse and taunt each other through the walls.  Wow!

 I was caught even before I knew… and I realized a lot was wrong with where I was...  before I could walk.  I tried to escape the hell of my upbringing, the abusive history of this territory and the peoples... for my ancestry - the torments of my childhood. It wasn't until I accepted my pitiful state of personal life... and then the Sacred Ways of my ancestors that I was able to go on this journey of "uncovering" the real me. 

The energy to go wasn't there until I accepted my spiritual guide.  And it wasn't until I found a truly “healthy” treatment and training center that this transition could have been possible. There I attended training healing programs that lasted from 5 to 8 days. It was through these ways that I made significant changes in my life. Through this strengthening my faith grew.  I learned to understand and feel safer and this allowed me to experience other ways of psycho-social healing. AND to know what was healthy and what wasn't! 

 My recovery was achieved and supported through and by countless psycho-social individual counseling and therapy sessions here at home. 
By therapy I mean - the emotional - experiential-psychodramatic cognitive-behavioral type action therapy.  Again check out ONSITE AND SIOUX SANATORIUM/HOPE LODGE AND SIERRA TUCSON...  THIS along with various self-help groups such as 12-Step types such as Adult Children, Al-Anon, AA, studying self-help development and self-empowerment methods such as hypnosis, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), and a whole library of self-help books on healing and recovery, I maintained a conscientious healing change program going. This I combined with over 30 years of martial arts discipline training. I needed and had to learn to keep understanding the developing of my inner strength - my discipline to keep up-to-date with healing methods. I had to come to a greater understanding of how and why - I as a NATIVE AMERICAN found recovery so difficult and hard to trust... and why and what shame was within me and my people.

 This life force I was given is no different from any other human being. And yet, I somehow was able to live with an indomitable spirit. I am not saying that I am more special than others.  I have had to learn what love really is and my God-given right to feel and live love.

 This "power" - my expression of strength became disturbed and distorted from growing up in such a violent and abusive environment. I not only grew ignorant, I grew to lie and to cover-up to myself about the truth of me and my family and the solutions. I developed such an act - of defense from re-experiencing such shameful behaviors on the part of all people, including myself and other Native Americans. I am not just referring to my immediate family. I saw results - though bad come from being violent and abusive. This is what I learned. I hated it and I hated myelf for this way. 
 Even today, my spirit keeps me going. This comes from my ancestors and is nurtured through the Traditional Native American Ceremonies. By learning the original Values and Morals, I was given the strength to carry on the exhausting work of the psycho-social healing.

 This changing and healing is truly tough. The process is really about being willing to always be accepting of change to be in a healthy and well way of living.
It is exhausting -physically and financially.  

 In the early years, I struggled with my poor trust. I tried to access healing methods but found such deeply embedded fears and my shame was so strong that when I detected the slightest "dysfunction" in the helper I was gone. Yet, kept trying to find help to heal myself, through these times. I wanted too to understand why these treatment ways did not "work" for Native Americans. Why we could not trust them. What was wrong with those people who ran them. I fought through tremendous fear... and because I realize that because I had such a history of trauma, I stuck it out.

 I saw the damage in so many of the people who worked the psycho-social mental-health system and time and time again they showed just how messed-up they themselves were and largely - still are!
The damage in me and in my people - came from the very source I needed to trust... and my family is who really carried on this damage and mistrust to me.
Somehow, I used the very conditioning that kept me trauma-bonded to stay in recovery. I had learned to survive with through my traumatic life with my martial arts training and to withstand the dis-eased system which was supposed to help me get better. This healing/helping system was pervasively, "biased" and "ignorant" towards and of Native Americans. I am Native American.

In some cases, I could see clearly, that they were just as uncomfortable with me, as I was with them. I could see their attempts not to show their ignorance and intolerance of me as a Native American. I was different, and so were they. They did not know how to deal with me and they did not know themselves!
All of these places had some insensitivity to their historical and contemporary "acts of infection" of us by them. Some wanted to help with the deep issues. Some could only one did... Onsite. 
While some were clearly based in archaic, racists people's teachings. I went through much of their systems and in many places.  I wanted to know who and how and what made these methods work for them and what could be done to make a better one for Native North Americans people.   
Healing was a gift to be developed, understood and nurtured and I needed help to do this so that I could help others. I wanted and needed so much to be healthy. This is my love of life. I learned the hows and whys of therapy and treatment, first hand... and not just one visit, but many!   I wanted to get healthier as well as learn their system, so I could go home and help.  

All the while, I enhanced this work with individual therapy and support groups at home... Taking notes, writing, recording and learning... what worked and what didn't... especially for Native North Americans!

    In my quest for healing, I have extensively studied the contemporary "psycho-social-mental-health religion-spirituality" system of healing, and by being strengthened through following our traditional teachings... I have come to realize that we as Native North American Tribal People must take back our spirit in the original way we had it... we must accept our self as "spirit"!
Spirit is not separate from anyone!.  And we must get that back!

This healing journey is for us the Red Road, it encompasses all emotions and all thoughts and all behaviors and all beliefs and all relating to everything in the universe... and connecting all this.
This is all, the Circle Of Life and all is spiritual. Without a "feeling" of life, there is no growth and there is no healing. Aspects of spirit and life become clearer to me, as I seek a healthier life. I understand more as to why; so many people, and not just the First People of the Americas, have fears of using the present mental health help system.  I realize more and more why and how this present system is based in archaic biased theories. The most important aspect is that we believe in our self and that all "things" have life and thus spirit... the act of looking, seeing, communicating with another human being or the other beings or elements is SPIRITUAL!

    The Present psycho-social mental health system is based on the theories of psychology, which are just that - theories.  There are no concrete studies of any kind done exclusively with Native North American "Indians".  This is a sad system in itself for all peoples, not just we Native peoples.  This system of healing affects Native North Americans in a most negative way because of the "fear" of pride and shame caused by the disrespect for our traditional cultural values and the "reluctance" of helpers/healers to share their own histories. The vagueness of this system affects more shame. This greatly influences their participation in this method of healing. Changes need to be made to enhance this way of healing.

    I tried to understand what was happening to me... as best a child could. My life has been a mix of successes and trials and tribulations.

From the age of 12, I began a determined quest of getting stronger - so I studied the Martial Arts.

At first, to escape the violence, abuse, racism, and the fear! No!  Not just fear. REAL TERROR!  I was literally, terrorized as a child. The severe continuous hurt came from people at school, church, the streets and most damaging... home. I suffered and saw extreme suffering. Initially, I trained hard to escape the violence... in doing so; I lost my dream of becoming a doctor. Trapped and forced to train to withstand this constant war, this eventually led to me being in the "act" of being successful; A Black Belt Master Instructor, training thousands of people, Canadian Heavyweight Kickboxing Championship, becoming a professional personal bodyguard, protecting some very powerful people - this began with saving, as much as a little child can, mommy from daddy. I was in a constant state of high alert, real hyper-vigilance because of the tremendous trauma I'd been subjected to as child and youth. I did everything cosmetically possible to hide my shame. No one would see the real me. I had no trust for anyone and this was safest. I climbed the ladder of success, all the while telling people to do as I say, not as I do.

It is important to emphasize that my life is open to your scrutiny because I have seen where others have gotten hope through my openness... and some have even thanked me for saving their life and that of their loved ones for allowing them to see that they can have hope... we all can!

Though I am not bragging of the ultra-violent life I led... I am honoring the reality of how neglect and abuse of any body can create such deep despair and yet we - anyone - can heal from this! Believe! Just Believe!

    I had such a distorted view of life... my life, safety. Distortions of power, of control, of healthiness were the aspects of life I could only accept. I needed to hide this, so I thought. This would keep me free from the deep-rooted SHAME. I needed to address all the energy of my memories and emotions and the saddest part was that I didn't trust anyone to believe that what happened to me and how it was affecting me was true! This scared and hurt me so much... because I knew I was DYING!

    Even at my young age, I desperately wanted help. I was so inexperienced and naive, with such unhealthy people all around.
I was afraid and so full of shame, even though I could understand the true depth of it... at least, not totally.
What I needed was acceptance - safety... love (I didn't know what it was). Love without hurt, without pain, without loneliness, without sadness. I had experienced tremendous abuse in my childhood, with little physical nurturing... and much sexual shaming. This left me so vulnerable, even drawn, to those people who were unhealthy and abusive. I know what it is like to fear everyone and anyone. I was molested, beaten, taken advantage of in many ways and shamed.
As is written about in books - I was shame! No BS about it. And, I knew very little else!
It was truly, a sad, hard place and I could not know why me!
OH, I learned the hard lessons real well, that, I had to do something right away... And, I chose the wrong many times!

At age 22... 1974,
    I did seek help through the medical system. It was a miracle that I had the will and spirit, not to give up!
I remember feeling so much more ashamed after seeing my first psychologist!
I remember how this man - this "professional" person, just sat there.
He seemed so distant and unattached from me.
He didn't even look at me.
He sat writing. Even at that time, I attempted to cut past my shame and share of my truths as best I could. I sincerely wanted to get out of the life I was born into. I didn't know how. I didn't know the process, let alone understand it.  I did the best I could.

And as much as my environment and people in it and my own "educated" choices would allow me!

    I can remember how afraid I was and how I "knew" to hide it. I hid just how ashamed I was. I told "some" of my story - crushing down my pent-up emotional energy - of which I wasn't constructively aware of.
I thought if I told about my confusion that I would be "seen" as a real mess.

I did not understand the methods he used and felt even more shamed from his disconnected impersonal demeanor.

In my family and my culture I felt shame with the sometimes bizarre displays of distorted emotions that were sometimes callous, insensitive and demeaning... incongruent with caring and nurturing of a "loving" healing helpful people.

  I connected him to the way I was raised and to my conditioning by the very society who CONTRIBUTED TO MY OWN FAMILIES AND PEOPLES DYSFUNCTION.
I had to leave and stop my pain -  I got up and left. This experience triggered even stronger and I thought I had to learn more about this on my own.
I was so afraid that this suffering would go on.  All of this was so distorted.  I was disillusioned and somewhat hopeless and I was not going to let anyone know this... ever. I would show the world I was in control!  I "thought" there was no hope of true freedom from my internal shame. 

      So... I began to more consciously cope with life... I knew  -  I survived. I was set for a gauntlet of life's ups and downs  - successes and failures... a quest to be free... but what was freedom?

    June 27, 1989, I wrote what I knew about my situation and my dreams. They were distorted for sure, but I wrote them out. I was lost and didn't know where to start... so I went to the Alcoholism Foundation and they said I wasn't an alcoholic. Damn! That would have made it so easy I thought. I dug deep down.  I voluntarily applied to and finished a family violence program. Then I took a community - based Parenting Course. I entered the Family Program at the Addictions Foundation of Manitoba and gained a foothold on Recovery from Co-dependency. I attended, almost religiously, Adult Children meetings... for 3 years solid, almost every night!  I did this, until I it became apparent that just talking about problems wasn't enough. I needed to release the energy of emotions and the legacy of shame and pain.

 At this same time, I found Onsite Training & Consulting, Rapid City, BlackHills, of South Dakota. I was also called to the sacredness of Paha Sapa - Black Hills. I began going through intensive, extensive healing and training with these willing professionals... who shared their true stories and still kept their responsibility and focus! Probably the most important part of therapy is developing trust... and then relearning about safe touch, nurturing and love... the way it was in the beginning. 

Since that first day of true deep change in 1992, I have done more than 300 days of deep, practical experiential group treatment. Prior to that day, I had 3 solid years of getting support through Adult Children Anonymous  and other Support groups, as well as,
the Men's Family Violence Prevention Group with Mamawiwiitchiitata, 
along with years of individual therapy and whole lot of weekend training workshops, some of which where those "let's-do-only-positive-thinking-new-age-spiritual-orgasmic" workshops. some had a good lessons.  While, some of these weekend "informative-stress-releasing workshops" served a purpose, some were facilitated in unhealthy ways. I found some very unhealthy "counselors" along the way also, some were of those tell-me-what-to-do one-on-one hour counseling session types. I found a couple of very good helpful ones thank God!
 I spent hundreds of training hours and  to changing trained and learned and healed for  and I have had over 600 hours of training. And spent  I went to get help for my own life for sure, and I went to find out why the psycho-social-mental-health system was failing.  And it wasn't just failing "Indians"! So please don't fret, we all need to be able to understand this world and all of our troubles.

The Cheyenne have a saying...
"You can have the strongest of spears, the mightiest of shields, the straightest of arrows, the swiftest of ponies... but as long as the hearts of the Cheyenne women are on the ground...  the battle is not won. We will not be free!"

This applies to the women of all nations because of the "forever" violence and degradation of females and women of this world.  It must.  This now applies to all people, all beings and to our Mother Earth!

   It is not written in stone, that you must believe in a "God" or "Higher Power" in order to heal or be treated with honor, respect and with dignity! It is every human being’s right to compassion and love and care and to give this to others. I have indomitable spirit and strength and yet at times
I struggle.  This is being human.  This is just part of my personal story. It is important that I get you to try to understand that my intention is to be humble and to show humility, yet have integrity and dignity... and to honor all people that I include here.